I also catch glimpses of meaningful, sustainable balance in my technology work, and they're not easy to hold on to. Only on good days can I access the greater purpose and vision of what I'm doing. Now I'm hoping my values are strong enough that when I do my job search I stand firm and not acquiesce to production that is neutral or even harmful for the world. Within my skill set I want to make folks less tired and able to exercise their agency.
I hope you can find this sort of work! It is really a constant negotiation around what it means to do good in the world (not to sound trite, but I don't know how else to say it), what it means to be good to yourself, and when sacrifices are actually necessary.
I recently read Eva Baltasar's 'Mammoth', and a section I quoted in a review and photo is this -
“As far as I was concerned, the job market, the legal one anyway, was a scam. When I worked for someone else, I gave them the most precious thing I had, more precious than my time or body, more precious than the meaning of the word itself: my dignity. Every time I signed a contract or agreed to a trial period, I got the sense I was selling myself to an intermediary who confiscated my passport and got fat at my expense. As I rode the metro home one evening, tired after a long day of killing lice and picking nits from the heads of pre-schoolers, I felt nostalgic for my university days. It was a journey to weakness that made me keenly aware of the power of exhaustion. People can be persuaded to do just about anything when they’re exhausted. Eight, nine, ten straight hours of work for a lousy paycheck can reduce anyone to survival mode. You lose the ability to think of anything but the basics: hunkering down in one place for as long as it takes to eat and then, when the day is done, sheltering in some hole from the dark and the inclement weather. Thousands of years ago, we referred to these holes as caves. Now we call them leisure, exercise, social media. We retreat to our depressing cells and feel smug, convinced that we are the lucky ones.”
Sharing because I thought that might resonate for you.
What a great piece, Karmela! So much I want to say and write here! I’ll keep it short since I’m way past my bedtime, I’m definitely in the sleep deprived camp.
As someone who has been learning about dialectical thinking, the idea of two opposing things existing simultaneously is quite familiar. You can both feel empowered/joyful and at the same time be exploited, I think this human ability to experience two opposing ideas/feelings is part of why these systems work so well. They instill feelings of security while keeping us perpetually tired with a few vacations/moments of artistic fulfillment.
Additionally, opportunities to perform intellectual and creative labor are made intentionally competitive in traditional systems in order to generate fear as a source of energy. (The rise of traditionally published authors on Substack needs to be studied by someone.)
The life you described is all we want. Creating shouldn’t be a commodity afforded only to a select few. Another contradiction in our current society is that hard work of any kind will payoff, the idea that if you work hard you will get things in return, is just not true. That contract has been null and void for quite some time now.
Anyway I’ll stop here, since words are blurring together. Thanks for including me in the conversation, Karmela and I’m wishing you the best of luck with your manuscript looking forward to reading the finish book 📖
Thanks Olga and thank you for reading. You are spot on here and I am so glad I came across your piece while I was writing this - it feels necessary to be in conversation with concerns that you raised. I hope you got some rest too!
I loved this, Karmela. I like the image of allowing myself to cede to entropy from time to time and as someone who burnt out spectacularly in her thirties, I wish I'd had it sooner. It took me a long time, too, to realize I actually can *enjoy* my creative writing practice, and sometimes I add it to my to-do list now even when I'm busy to function as an anti-depressant, even if I can only get in twenty minutes or whatever. Lots to think about here as always!
Thanks for this, Karmela. This piece gave me a sense of relief reading it, in that it so carefully captured the thousand fleeting moments of personal clarity my own work steals back from me—insights about creativity and capitalism and never having enough time to be human. I know the feeling of so much of what you wrote, but exhaustion keeps them in that state of entropy, fragmented and floating and unordered. Thank you for putting them in a structure I can return to. I woke with the sun today—a big mistake in late November—so I’m running late to work. I sat reading this, tense about being on Substack rather than exercising or prepping for my annual review. I have to run now, so yeah, I didn’t even get to finish it. But I will absolutely be returning. Thank you.
I love the metaphor of conflicting ideas and values as superpositioned, “two ideas that pull the heart in opposite directions - that writing can be empowering and that writers are also routinely overworked and underpaid.” This essay is such a beautiful example of that…the joy of creative/intellectual labor and the immense exhaustion (exacerbated by exploitative institutions and unsustainable standards) that also accompanies it…the sober realities of life (Amazon, sleep desynchronization, sickness) mixed in with all the ordinary joys we still have access to. Thank you for writing this!!
This was an excellent read. I may have to repeat it.
I'm reading this as I lay in bed procrastinating starting the day - time broke indeed. But it made me think about this idea of apathy being driven by tiredness, specifically in this moment and in my country (South Africa). But it also made me think of how a new friend/partner who has built an identity on being present and fighting the good fight and being there for others felt overwhelmed recently and how my first instinct (correctly, I think) was to tell them that they needed time for themselves to be there for others. They argued vehemently against this. But instead of it being driven by a capitalistic impulse it was more around holding space and giving to those capitalism has chewed up and spat out and imagining more for others despite their own tiredness. I want them to have more for themself, but they're arguing if they wait to have more, when will anything ever get done?
Thank you for reading! I sympathize with your friend/partner, it gets so easy to get caught up in feeling like you are the one who has to do everything and that sense of urgency makes it impossible to stop and ask yourself how things could be done differently. I hope things slow down for them.
I also catch glimpses of meaningful, sustainable balance in my technology work, and they're not easy to hold on to. Only on good days can I access the greater purpose and vision of what I'm doing. Now I'm hoping my values are strong enough that when I do my job search I stand firm and not acquiesce to production that is neutral or even harmful for the world. Within my skill set I want to make folks less tired and able to exercise their agency.
I hope you can find this sort of work! It is really a constant negotiation around what it means to do good in the world (not to sound trite, but I don't know how else to say it), what it means to be good to yourself, and when sacrifices are actually necessary.
A lovely, reflective piece.
I recently read Eva Baltasar's 'Mammoth', and a section I quoted in a review and photo is this -
“As far as I was concerned, the job market, the legal one anyway, was a scam. When I worked for someone else, I gave them the most precious thing I had, more precious than my time or body, more precious than the meaning of the word itself: my dignity. Every time I signed a contract or agreed to a trial period, I got the sense I was selling myself to an intermediary who confiscated my passport and got fat at my expense. As I rode the metro home one evening, tired after a long day of killing lice and picking nits from the heads of pre-schoolers, I felt nostalgic for my university days. It was a journey to weakness that made me keenly aware of the power of exhaustion. People can be persuaded to do just about anything when they’re exhausted. Eight, nine, ten straight hours of work for a lousy paycheck can reduce anyone to survival mode. You lose the ability to think of anything but the basics: hunkering down in one place for as long as it takes to eat and then, when the day is done, sheltering in some hole from the dark and the inclement weather. Thousands of years ago, we referred to these holes as caves. Now we call them leisure, exercise, social media. We retreat to our depressing cells and feel smug, convinced that we are the lucky ones.”
Sharing because I thought that might resonate for you.
What a great piece, Karmela! So much I want to say and write here! I’ll keep it short since I’m way past my bedtime, I’m definitely in the sleep deprived camp.
As someone who has been learning about dialectical thinking, the idea of two opposing things existing simultaneously is quite familiar. You can both feel empowered/joyful and at the same time be exploited, I think this human ability to experience two opposing ideas/feelings is part of why these systems work so well. They instill feelings of security while keeping us perpetually tired with a few vacations/moments of artistic fulfillment.
Additionally, opportunities to perform intellectual and creative labor are made intentionally competitive in traditional systems in order to generate fear as a source of energy. (The rise of traditionally published authors on Substack needs to be studied by someone.)
The life you described is all we want. Creating shouldn’t be a commodity afforded only to a select few. Another contradiction in our current society is that hard work of any kind will payoff, the idea that if you work hard you will get things in return, is just not true. That contract has been null and void for quite some time now.
Anyway I’ll stop here, since words are blurring together. Thanks for including me in the conversation, Karmela and I’m wishing you the best of luck with your manuscript looking forward to reading the finish book 📖
Thanks Olga and thank you for reading. You are spot on here and I am so glad I came across your piece while I was writing this - it feels necessary to be in conversation with concerns that you raised. I hope you got some rest too!
I loved this, Karmela. I like the image of allowing myself to cede to entropy from time to time and as someone who burnt out spectacularly in her thirties, I wish I'd had it sooner. It took me a long time, too, to realize I actually can *enjoy* my creative writing practice, and sometimes I add it to my to-do list now even when I'm busy to function as an anti-depressant, even if I can only get in twenty minutes or whatever. Lots to think about here as always!
Thanks for reading Julia! I thought of you and your novel writing when I was working on this, and I was grateful that you shared it.
Thanks for this, Karmela. This piece gave me a sense of relief reading it, in that it so carefully captured the thousand fleeting moments of personal clarity my own work steals back from me—insights about creativity and capitalism and never having enough time to be human. I know the feeling of so much of what you wrote, but exhaustion keeps them in that state of entropy, fragmented and floating and unordered. Thank you for putting them in a structure I can return to. I woke with the sun today—a big mistake in late November—so I’m running late to work. I sat reading this, tense about being on Substack rather than exercising or prepping for my annual review. I have to run now, so yeah, I didn’t even get to finish it. But I will absolutely be returning. Thank you.
Thanks so much for reading Kirk! “Thousand fleeting moments of personal clarity” really captures it. And good luck with the review!
I love the metaphor of conflicting ideas and values as superpositioned, “two ideas that pull the heart in opposite directions - that writing can be empowering and that writers are also routinely overworked and underpaid.” This essay is such a beautiful example of that…the joy of creative/intellectual labor and the immense exhaustion (exacerbated by exploitative institutions and unsustainable standards) that also accompanies it…the sober realities of life (Amazon, sleep desynchronization, sickness) mixed in with all the ordinary joys we still have access to. Thank you for writing this!!
Thank you so much for reading! It’s been so interesting to see what writers make of it, and I’m glad it resonates
This was an excellent read. I may have to repeat it.
I'm reading this as I lay in bed procrastinating starting the day - time broke indeed. But it made me think about this idea of apathy being driven by tiredness, specifically in this moment and in my country (South Africa). But it also made me think of how a new friend/partner who has built an identity on being present and fighting the good fight and being there for others felt overwhelmed recently and how my first instinct (correctly, I think) was to tell them that they needed time for themselves to be there for others. They argued vehemently against this. But instead of it being driven by a capitalistic impulse it was more around holding space and giving to those capitalism has chewed up and spat out and imagining more for others despite their own tiredness. I want them to have more for themself, but they're arguing if they wait to have more, when will anything ever get done?
Thank you for writing this.
Thank you for reading! I sympathize with your friend/partner, it gets so easy to get caught up in feeling like you are the one who has to do everything and that sense of urgency makes it impossible to stop and ask yourself how things could be done differently. I hope things slow down for them.